The sickening pit in my stomach was easy enough to ignore most days. I’m at a new place. It’s brand new and really felt great being a part of a new project. Lots of buzz about the new bar, the new owner, etc. Small town livin’, that’s all pretty exciting stuff. Rumors, gossip, curiosity, all ran people right through our doors. It was fun! I was having fun again. (Pay no attention to the hamster wheel behind the curtain. Or maybe it’s a broken record.)
It felt like the staff was being listened to. We were given some freedom to experiment with things, and always were a part of brainstorming sessions. Set the bar up the way we wanted. The owner being completely new to running a bar, really relied on his bartenders to kinda give him some insight; on people, our town specifically, summers in the Midwest. At the beginning we really felt supported. So, I brushed off those tiny little things. That’s the way you’re supposed to do it, right? Just minor little personality quirks. We all have them. One big happy family! All those red flags must just be our “family” banner. What team spirit! They were everywhere. Hahahahaha
I noticed when the boss was in a mood, his energy took the vibe of the whole place down. I noticed he opened right around summertime and was gone A LOT. (Opening any business, let alone a bar, unfortunately, usually means major sacrifices. But, what do I know. That one I flipped around to mean he really trusts his staff…. and his mom.) I noticed I was having conversations with the owner and the GM about other bartenders that I probably shouldn’t have been a part of. I noticed when he was there, he was spending many many nights drinking very heavily. I noticed the name dropping and elusions to his amassed fortune and his “real” job that he never seemed to get to. But, whatever. I’m making great money, having a blast, and go team go.
I ignore myself way too much. That was all shifting, but not enough. Joe and I took another hiatus from drinking in September. We went out with the entire staff. The night before we left for that day trip, my whole fucking gut was telling me it wasn’t a good idea. My whole fucking ego was telling me louder, we have to be team players. The was the 22nd. October 7 (after training what I would find out was my replacement, because they “wanted her trained right”, and after a four day hunting trip during which they needed Joe to cover barbacking and security while they were away) we were unceremoniously shitcanned!
Sounds like I am glossing over a very obvious fuck up on our part. Kind of I am. It wasn’t me and I don’t need to blast the love of my life. He takes ownership and we have worked through it. Sleep deprivation, ignoring my intuition, alcohol, and what I would see months later, threatening a man’s sense of self and belonging, which is none of my business, all lead to one obvious outcome. And if the story in greater detail becomes necessary, I can share it. With my love’s blessing. And finally things start heating up and getting to the good stuff.
This one took me down. Like REALLY took me down. If it had happened immediately, I would have been angry but understanding. Would have had it out with Joe in a big way. Blamed him and harbored a lot of resentment! But as it turns out, shock and confusion put me in a place of serious soul work. Initially, I thought “this town is pushing us out”. Trained for years by a woman who believed changing externals changes internals. Never go inside and look deep. It’s this city, it’s this house, it’s the sofa on this wall instead of that wall, it’s this church, blah blah blah…. She is my archetype for “what not to do” and I changed course and went internal. I stayed confused and sad and shocked for awhile. But, now I had all the time in the world to listen to that nagging voice that had been muffled by the chaos of bar life for the last year and a half, approximately.
Since early 2021, I maintained a very part time job at yet another veteran’s club. Two days a week. No big deal. A few extra bucks in my pocket. Boss is great. Coworkers, though I didn’t have much interaction with them, were fine. Now it is my only job. And I had enough money to get me through a couple months of reflection and regrouping. So, I decided breathing and thinking were going to take top priority for a time. I’d pick up whatever extra shifts I could, but really mainly just get refocused. What the hell am I doing with my life anyway? And why the actual hell am I even questioning this trajectory all of a sudden?
I dismissed it mostly as just really angry and negative feelings about getting fired from two jobs, that I was really really good at, within a five month period. Introspection forced me to ask myself a lot of questions about my involvement. I vacillated constantly between commonalities in the bar world, and thus common characteristics of people in management in the bar world, and maybe I am missing something about how intolerable I am as a person. But the one thought that came up most frequently was the one about me feeling like I didn’t belong there anymore. That one was the scariest one of all. And still I just kept on thinking.
January, I went to visit the kids. My children are all grown and live out of state. I try to get up there a couple times a year. Not enough, by a long shot. But this isn’t that story. I am particularly close to my oldest daughter. She didn’t know what was about to happen. In her mind, she was just giving her old mom a wonderful and thoughtful Christmas gift. She couldn’t know she was about to blow my whole world apart. One sentence in a book, and EVERYTHING would change in a moment.
The Hermit's Lamp 