No story ever really starts at the beginning. And seeing as how beginning is my biggest challenge, let’s start with yesterday. There is a long and wild, winding road to yesterday. Every step along the way seems to be a story all its own. This one in particular is a story of progress, self-awareness, and eww… honesty… Honesty with self. The hard and dirty kind.
I had to do a hard thing yesterday morning. I had to go tell my partner I was opting out of our long anticipated weekend road trip at the end of the month, IF his daughter was going. Listen. As Dad’s girlfriend, I understand I will always be the problem, in a sense. I get that part. And that’s alright. I know where I stand and we have always made it work. Serious bumps along the way, no doubt. But, he and I are solid. That is all I care about.
This is a story of personal growth, shadow work, deep diving into the human psyche, healing, and absolute surrender. The “hard thing” yesterday morning broke open some fun stuff last night. Setting the stage, I won’t be in a car for five hours one way with her, and then the weekend, and then the drive back, crossing fingers and holding my breath, hoping she doesn’t snap and ruin the weekend for everyone else. I also refuse to spend three days watching helplessly, as dad scrambles and bends in a futile attempt to keep her happy. Nope!
She’s sixteen, almost seventeen. I think it is only fair to mention that. Get all of your laughter and eye rolling out of the way now. Hahaha. Yes! I know! That is all well and good, but I stand by my decision. It was hard to tell him, and harder still to tell him I was really ok with whatever decision he made. I knew it was gonna suck for him to hear.
So, here’s where things got weird. Later in the evening, he finds out she doesn’t want to go and doesn’t know how to tell him. He is off the hook. Relieved. (A little self-defense right here. This isn’t just about his cranky selfish girlfriend. They have issues. Single dad. Teenage daughter. Serious trauma in their family. The fighting and tension in their home, between them, is constant.) He’s relieved he doesn’t have to tell her the trip is cancelled, or it’s just the two of them because I won’t be around her for that long, or she isn’t going, whatever…. And I was irritated as hell! What??
Now, I am going to process this. He noticed something in me before he left for the night. But, I don’t need to dump anything on him right now. Most especially because I have no idea what I am really upset about, exactly. Or at least I have no idea how to articulate it.
The chaos in my head looks a little like this:
- So she still gets to be in charge.
- She gets to think she made that choice.
- He’s off the hook and doesn’t have to tell her anything.
- Wow! She wins again!
- She never has to face the fact that her toxic behavior makes people not want to be around her.
- After the shit she just put him through all weekend, she gets a vacation with her sister.
- There is no life lesson here. Just a tantrum and a trip.
- ….and on…and on…and on…
Let’s fast forward to the kiss goodnight and now I am left alone with this brain. If this story feels like there is much that comes before and all a little crazy for a “beginning”, you would be right. It’s a story of healing. Why in the fuck do I want to make sure this child knows that I had had that conversation with her dad before she said anything to her sister? Why was it necessary for her to know that her volatility and shit attitude makes people avoid her? Why was I so irritated that now my feelings would not be known and now Joe did not have to have a conversation with her, that inevitably would lead to a seriously ugly situation between them? I got what I wanted. Why did I need more, at the expense of Joe’s peace?
I put every past me on the couch and started asking her questions. I got some vague answers. Nothing concrete. No major breakthroughs. But I got her digging. I got her thinking. I got her calmed down and evaluating. I put my arms around her, showed her compassion instead of judgment and anger and absolute self-loathing for being a giant pile of shit, in competition with a kid and needing to win! This is new!! The compassion alone is not something I am used to extending to myself. Like I said, not a lot of concrete anything came out. A lot of cloudy ideas rooted in a total lack of self-worth. I want to be heard. I want to be prioritized. I want to be protected and valued. I have never been worth fighting for. This whole thing was just a thing. In itself, the situation was no different than most, with this particular dynamic. But what it brought up, disproportionate as it may seem, was a trip, to say the least.
I wrote on my bathroom mirror two days ago: “I consciously choose to participate in this wild time.” (Stolen from my astrology app. Something about Uranus and my South Node…. so much I don’t understand) I meant it when I wrote it. I mean it now. Whatever this path is that I am on, I only have enough light for the very next footfall. Things are getting wild! I just got mad that I couldn’t hurt a kid’s feelings! That’s insane! I am scared. I am anxious. I am totally out of my depth. But I am guided. I am safe. I am filled with gratitude. I am secure in the knowledge that the Universe has my back. I am taking the steps illuminated in front of me. I am healing. And most of all, I am excited!
This particular journey goes back over a year. If you have ventured into this Tarantino style start and stuck with me, I appreciate the hell out of you! And I would love more than anything to share this choppy, contorted, incongruent, and most likely sometimes confusing and infuriating story. We,ve got judgment, pettiness, crappy behavior, bad language, bad grammar, alcoholism, crying, screaming, tantrums, moments of insight, beams of light, growth, healing, and love. We’ve got it all!….And so so far to go.
The Hermit's Lamp 